Schnauser, Schwa, And Other      
Things That Start With W

by Jordan Barry

If you are a first time reader,
(and since this is our first time
 issue, you have to be) then you probably have no idea what this column is about, or what the hell my title means, as neither Schnauser nor Schwa start with W.  Well, I'll tell you. 

This is my very own column, and yes, my mother is very proud of me, thank you, so you don't have to ask.  Believe me, many have.  Both of my parents, I mean.  Anyway.  In this column, I will express some opinions, many of which may be weird or strange or random.  Or all three.  If you agree with them, they're mine.  If not, they're somebody else's.  

As for the title, which I will not repeat, I just sort of thought it sounded good at the time?...  Oh, well, but that is really, really, normal compared to the rest of the world.  For example, a man was cured of deafness in one ear by the removal of a 43-year old bus ticket from his ear.  The man, to this day, still does not know how a bus ticket got into his ear in the first place, nor does he know how the hell he didn't notice it for 43 years, but like I said, the world is weird.  Another man reported stolen cocaine at a police station.  Then there was the guy who got shot by his truck.  He was driving and his truck blew a fuse, so he replaced it with a .22 caliber bullet because, and I quote, "it was the same size."  Anyway, this schmuck is driving along when the current runs through the shell, ignites the gunpowder and shoots him in the knee.  Explain that one to the doctor/parole officer.

Here's one more for the road, my personal favorite.  A man was on trial for drug possession.  Cocaine, as a matter of fact.  He claimed that the police had no probable cause for the search that revealed the cocaine.  The police said the bulge in the jacket could have been a weapon, so the search was legal.  He disagreed, and brought in the jacket to show the judge.  The judge examines the jacket, reaches into the pocket and finds a kilo of cocaine.  They had to call a five minute recess because the judge couldn't stop laughing.  

So, just remember that if you think my column is weird, it's really the world that's weird.  My column's normal.  Just keep believing that.